What do I feel?

Never ever have I picture myself with anyone. Usually in dreams I have although I could never really make out the other person's face, and I liked that. But now, why now? A image has taken over. I am not even 100% sure that I like him. We haven't even talk about real stuff or anything like that! All I really know is our similar taste in music and dramas. How can I like him just based on that?
Before in the past, all my petty crushes were just simple infatuations. Nothing too complex, just a simple crush. I was not going to say anything to them because I never see myself with them going anywhere. Not now, when I see him, I keep trying to find him in my view. Even though our talks are not too too deep, I enjoy them. I think he makes me smile, even when he is not trying to.I can feel his presence. It's so odd, I already know his walk. LOL.
Actually this should not be to odd to me, from the start he kinda caught my attention. That is too say, I have also noticed him. But it was till later we actually talked and got to know each other a bit more that I wanted to know what he has to say. But for real, I hardly now anything about him! But I think that is what attracts me to him. He is a book I want to read but can't seem to because it needs to be unlocked. Since he isn't the one who to ask the questions I want to know more. I guess I'm that kind of person. One who always asks the question and not the other way around. Even with friends, its the same cycle. I would have to be the one who does the first act. The one who makes the friend, ask the friend, phone the friend, keep the friend. I must say at times its very tiring.
Anyways back to him, whatever I feel for him: could past with time. But the question to myself is "Do I want it to past?" Maybe it was because the caffeine overdose I had yesterday, but it made my heart heard. And now I know it was because of the caffeine. But still without it, I still feel there is something there. Waiting for him to reply, seeing what he has to say and so on. What on Earth is put upon me. Not once in 19 years of existence have I ever felt like I should actually say something to the guy I liked. This is crazy. However, I feel like something needs to be said. If not, I'm going to afraid I will have this regret? I'm trying to limit my regrets these days. However John says that I too scared to actually say anything, but the thing is I'm afraid of the unknown, but at times would like to embrace it. So that is to say, if nothing is ever said, nothing will ever happen. If it is said, its up to him and how he feels to give me the answer. Then I would know. Good or bad. At least I said it and I would know. I would have no regret. I guess its better than just waiting for someone to come.
I know that it would be too soon to look the one. But I getting the feeling that if I like someone at the moment, I have the right to let them and myself know (If I want to that is). Nobody knows what is to come, so if there is someone I actually want to know more in depth way not try to get to know that person. So the question is that do I want more? And I pretty sure the answer to that is YES! But does he want more? than what we are now....?
And once again, my crazy imagination runs visibly wild in my childish head. Thoughts of how I will actually say the words "I Like You!" to him keeps playing in my head, the text I will give afterward. His response: I HAVE NO IDEA! But then images of possible dates? OMG! I do not know why this is happening, back then with people I did like or happens to be friends with (guys that is), I could not see myself with them, no matter how hard I try. I think its because that trial time has past, I seen them and feel nothing there is nothing there. Though with him, it comes so easily. Is that the way it should be? I really want to hug him in the front and back for some reason...haha..especially in the back, and act like a girl in front of him. For some reason, I think he would protect me. Thus, comes my dilemma. How does he feel? Since I barely know him and just blurt out the truth to him, what is to come? Will he react and do something? Or he is not interested at all. From messages on Facebook that he sends, some just hits me. Little words. But it is considered flirting? Why are guys so hard to read. Especially him, he barely shows any strong emotions or seem to the center of attention. But I seem to like that. The fact he does not show that much emotion, I wonder how he would treat a girlfriend. I guess what I'm trying to say is "Can I open him up?" It's so funny because I think I'm the one who needs to open up more. I think he is sweet (I think) and wonders what he thinks of me. And now, deep rooted self esteem issues come rushing in. What if he thinks I'm ugly? like he is not attracted to me? And body-image issues also comes with self esteem issues. HA! It just never ends for girls with self-criticism.
I pretty sure I'm not afraid of his answer so much as to taking that first step. I do not think he knows how I feel since people close to me have no clue either. I know I can't hide my feelings very well, but if ambushed I would know it will be written all over my face. But I don't know. As I'm actually writing this right now, I have this uneasy feeling, and I thought it has past! But the more I think about it, the more I get more anxious. But I think I should wait. I don't even know the next time we will see each other, let alone have the one-on-one chance to say anything......
Well actually all of this really, really depends if I get a call back from Coles since I made myself a deal that (I kinda regret) if I get the job, I might say something to the boy I think I Like. So I'm having my fingers crossed. Who knows what is in my future?

Sept 7, 2008

It's been some time since I have been writing, mostly due to the beginning of classes again and worry. The first day I must say I was overwhelmed and that follow to the second day. The first day: JAPANESE 301. Not only was there many people I knew in that class but I am kinda afraid since there is only one midterm instead of two. That means I only have one chance to make it! History class, although I know I will like but man! that teacher I can barely hear what he is saying! Not only is he far from us, he does not have a mike or anything and to make matters worse, he mumbles!!!!!! GOD! I just hope that is just a one time thing...but something tells me it isn't. I'm pretty sure that the whole semester my ears need to be wide awake for this class. The second day: an Q&A session with the business adviser, that Sarah lady that I have email before. I just felt that she was rushing me and wanted to get it over quickly, and she kinda push me to get an degree then to apply for an after-degree, like what Vanessa (which by the way I met while lining in line for book return) is doing right now. But the thing is, that will definitely take me 6 years, and at my rate (not enough credits for a degree anyways-120 credits) 7+ years to complete. So the best idea is to get into business this year. And for 2 hard years to get a business degree. The love hate relationship I have with getting into business is that I know I can get in, but I doubt myself wayyy to much! and I think I slack off too much, or put it off thinking that I can make it up. But the thing is that everything counts! You need to get the highest mark in every assignment, every test so those marks do not drag you down. I know that I doubt myself too much. I just know that once I get accepted into that faculty I can let go some of that doubt.
So from here on out I make an oath to myself. This year when I apply into business I WILL get IN! I must achieve a 3.5-3.3 average. Mommy makes a very good point: that I don't study hard enough or at effective because if others could make those marks so can I. I know she has very hopes for me and I soo don't want to dissapoint her since she and daddy works so hard for us. I really want to be strong and earn the bread for the family one day. I know as the days past they are getting older and hurting physically more, I just want they have some rest. At this rate, I have no idea what age they will retire at! It's just so sad. I wish I could provided them with more. So this year, study ahead, review before and after, particpate more in japanese class! And really push your limit! I really need this! I cannot to lose another year! I have no back up plan! LOL. So there is only one plan! PLAN A!
Reasons to get in:
Finally have direction!
Do not have to worry what to do next.
Not wasting another year.
Still be young when I graduate.
(If I make enough money) can go to paris and tokyo!
LOL.

I REALLY HOPE/WISH/PLAN/WILL! GET INTO THE FACULTY OF BUSINESS OR DIE TRYING. YOU MUST/NEED/WILL GET A GPA OF 3.3 AND ABOVE! NOTHING LESS IS ACCEPTABLE! YOU UNDERSTAND?