Jealousy. I'm mostly envious of everyone around me. There would be something that I can find that makes me inferior to them. I know that I give of a snobbish persona and that's wrong, but its not entirely my fault here. I mean, that was the face I was given to work with. I jealous of family members how they don't seem to give a care in the world but anything. I hate that they have to so brutally honest, its not like I'm trying to pry. But if I ask about someone close maybe something a bit personal, you smite me like I'm shit. And make me a piece of shit. Both of them, actually. Even though, its might not be intentional on their part, its like a stab at my heart and feelings.My own brother, I feel only asks when he needs it. Just like me and my dad, he to me, now the little brother to me. We always just ask for something, and expect the other party to just hand it to you. It's this ask and take cycle over and over again, but usually its one sided.
Next, who I am envious of are friends. Those that are this aura of energy that everyone attracts to. And I want them to just be one, but I know that cannot happen. Either I'm tried and gave up or the other person found others to attract to. Should I hate them, or smite them, or be envious to. They have what I want, to attract people attention and all they want is to protect you. Why is it so hard to have. Could one day, it disappear? Friends, all I do is compare them to me, what they have that I don't, and why can't I have that or be more like that? Why can't I be happy more, why can't I be warm to people? Why do people judge me behind my back. Do I deserve it? Not only do I compare mentally but physical traits too. Why can't I be pretty like them? photogenic like them? Why do I feel so ugly? Inside and out. Its so hard sometimes to feel good for myself. Not only is there harsh criticism from others, but my own family. Also, I think the worst comes from myself. Always judging myself, am I pretty enough. I hate my teeth, it will take a year for it to look any better. I hate my small eyes, I wish they could be a little bigger to make me look more welcoming and warm. I hate my fat nose. All because of that stupid accident that ruined my would be normal nose. Why!? Now nothing can fix it. I doubt the fatness can get thinner. And my stupid blackheads and pores....they're huge!!
Third, Couples! Ugh, I swear couples are put on this Earth to make single people life a living hell. I do not like the way the "flaunt" their closeness they have with each other when I'm there. I wish for that. For someone to actually get me and forgives and accept me and me the same. It's just a living example of what I can't have or wish to have. UGH. Some can find it so easily, while some for this eternity may never find one. How ass sad. That is exactly what I am. I try to change, and I know that the effort has to come from my part, but am I just full of ugliness? I hope not. I hope my friends don't think that way of me. I hope my family does not either.....
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
OCTOBER 14. 2008
Today; officially the day that I have three midterms in a row of.
In simple words, I am SCREWED! Sure I study, but what use is of? I'm pretty sure from the moment I walk into that classroom at 9 am and my other 2 classes that I would blank out everything that I attempted to remember. Well, actually not everything, but off course the most important points. AND WHY?! is the night before so full of crap that I have to deal with!?? Off all the days for this stupid computer to have a massive breakdown of Trojan infections that it had to be today!??! and this morning with the damn construction of the basement bathroom. Then while I was studying, the phone calls either from the parents or to the brother from the very mall I want to work in!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE NO GOOD NEWS???!!!? I SWEAR!!? the secret is bs. I mean I was gratiful, I keep giving off good thoughts, imaging myself in that job, put it in writing, and what not. Its been a month, and STILL no frickin' REPLY!!!! UGH!! I am so frickin pissed right now its not even funny. I swear whoever gets in my way, I will blow up on them!
GOD! of all the frickin days to choose! They choose the day before my midterms. The pivotal moment, the deciding day that will shape the rest of my University career. I really don't think I have any hope within myself. I just hope I can pull through Japanese. If its start out well, it can only get better. (I hope) God the only thing saving me from having a crazy meltdown, is to put all this frustration in writing. I just feel so unprepared! FRICK, like always I wait till the last moments to study half a semester worth of stuff, and for 3 subjects that is alot to retain! Usually I am not worry about any memory stuff, but I'm too afraid of a brain stump. WHAT I SHOULD DO?! I know its too late to ask them to change or anything, maybe I should have asked that in the much earlier, but I was afraid of what the teacher would say...haaaaaaa
Well, upside is, I was not like the day of the Korean midterm....crazy and shaking. But my god. Downside is: Tomorrow will be the longest day! I mean, right after the midterms, go to ec to try to apply for the Coles there, and back to campus to record the damn wimba, find the script, reherse what we say, and do the listening portion of the book, and maybe buy the new Korean textbook....I think I will go crazy tomorrow!!!
In simple words, I am SCREWED! Sure I study, but what use is of? I'm pretty sure from the moment I walk into that classroom at 9 am and my other 2 classes that I would blank out everything that I attempted to remember. Well, actually not everything, but off course the most important points. AND WHY?! is the night before so full of crap that I have to deal with!?? Off all the days for this stupid computer to have a massive breakdown of Trojan infections that it had to be today!??! and this morning with the damn construction of the basement bathroom. Then while I was studying, the phone calls either from the parents or to the brother from the very mall I want to work in!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE NO GOOD NEWS???!!!? I SWEAR!!? the secret is bs. I mean I was gratiful, I keep giving off good thoughts, imaging myself in that job, put it in writing, and what not. Its been a month, and STILL no frickin' REPLY!!!! UGH!! I am so frickin pissed right now its not even funny. I swear whoever gets in my way, I will blow up on them!
GOD! of all the frickin days to choose! They choose the day before my midterms. The pivotal moment, the deciding day that will shape the rest of my University career. I really don't think I have any hope within myself. I just hope I can pull through Japanese. If its start out well, it can only get better. (I hope) God the only thing saving me from having a crazy meltdown, is to put all this frustration in writing. I just feel so unprepared! FRICK, like always I wait till the last moments to study half a semester worth of stuff, and for 3 subjects that is alot to retain! Usually I am not worry about any memory stuff, but I'm too afraid of a brain stump. WHAT I SHOULD DO?! I know its too late to ask them to change or anything, maybe I should have asked that in the much earlier, but I was afraid of what the teacher would say...haaaaaaa
Well, upside is, I was not like the day of the Korean midterm....crazy and shaking. But my god. Downside is: Tomorrow will be the longest day! I mean, right after the midterms, go to ec to try to apply for the Coles there, and back to campus to record the damn wimba, find the script, reherse what we say, and do the listening portion of the book, and maybe buy the new Korean textbook....I think I will go crazy tomorrow!!!
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