1st Blog in months!

In the past, everything was so simple. There was nothing to hide from.Nothing to run from, nothing to cry over.Now, Everything has changed.Why?Why does troubles grow as days pass by?Why does fear grows stronger when the years pass on?Is there no end.Why has life got so complicated?There is drama everywhere. Gossip at every corner, and bs all around.Why do I care so much?Why can't I just let go and let others do their own thing.Am I an enabler or just a crybaby?Maybe I'm both.
Why is this world so cruel to me and others.We all make mistakes, why is everything so serious and stupid?I worry over if I'm a good:friend,sister,daughter,cousin,believer,studentperson, it never ends.
As tears fall down my face, It doesn't stop but falls down harder.I know there is more I can do for everyone. But I feel so selfish for always putting me first.Why is that?
My room is cold and messy and I want to clear the clutter in my room and in my mind. But the mind never stops just like how I can't stop from caring and giving a shit for others.Others might call me meddling and tell me to stop being nosy and just leave tell be.But how can I help if I don't know the whole story?Maybe they don't need help from me? Or don't think I am useful. ButEven if others need me there to listen, I can be there for them.I lost enough friends to put in that effort. I don't want to lose more people that I let into my world just to let them slip away as tunes goes by. But if that time was to come, I would fight for it before I give up.
But some just don't seem to understand. And continue to judge.I don't want the people I know and love to be judge and step on by others.That's not what a human being should do in life.I'm far from perfect,there is some much of me that can be improved,and when others judge me and the people I know,I can't accept that.It's not in me to just let it pass by, I want to, no, have to stick up for them. Even though the odds are against me,I want to say something,
As time passes by, why is that life doesn't become easier. That the guidebook to life is an easier book to read.I feel cold founding out the truth isn't what I wanted it to be.And so scared of others. I don't want to judge them or find out they are not what they appear to be.I shudder at that.I don't want any harm upon others,but hope they cna find what can make they happy and be a good person in this life we all share. But Its not always what I want it to be.
Does the tears that fall from my eyes even do anything. I would think by this time in my life I have shed enough tears in a lifetime. ButNo it is not.I feel like Alice, that my tears are enough to fill a room, but it is not strong enough to break the walls down. Instead, its so much that I find myself drowning,gasping for some air,but its not enough.I never thought that life was that complicated. Now things are different.School.Work. And more work.Friends.Family.It doesn't ends. However I would not call it suffering.I suffer because I let myself. But its not ongoing.It comes and go,I would not always welcome it to my life,but it there to let you knowthat you alive,that you live,that we are all human.We are not gods. Nor saints.Nor demons.But humans.Humans with emotions,troubles,grief,stress,happiness,stupidness,laughter,and much more.
Sometimes I would think of all the hate we have in this world.Over faith,Over opposing views,Over love,Over our view of beauty,Over race,Over gender,Over sexual orientation.It makes me sick.It makes worry about the the stupid human race.It makes cry at night.It makes me fell like shit when I participate.I hate hate.I also really hate the word "hate" I such an awful word. I try not to use it.
It doesn't seem to get easier as time passers on.It never does. That one more law in life.Others are not always nice and genuine and there for you. There is so many people in the world,and there is just so many you meet in your lifetime, why not let them in and learn to accept and appreciate them instead of judging them and causing drama.Even though some deserves it,try to give them the benefit of the doubt.That all I can ask for.I just want my worries to diminish,stop worrying so much over little times.If there id something bugging you, let it out.Don't keep it inside, or you'll never find an answer.

미쳤어

God. The night before a midterm and I still have not master the art of coming to bed on time. Again, I'm thinking of things and getting ahead of myself. I think the only way to stop it is to say something or act something. All this excessive thinking is getting me fricking nowhere! And I hate thinking of the unknown. Sometimes, it is very scary shit. It's like my mind goes into all these different situations where I plan this big momentous speech or question that my mind wraps into another dimension or something. I know that totally made no sense! but that was what I could put into words at the time. It's just that...I somehow wish I could get it over with. First, it really depends if or when I do see him, if I like the feeling of being with him. Second, whether or not I can confirm the feelings I'm having are geniune. Third, the guts to ask him out.
God, when this year is suppose to be a year where I really needed to focus on my studies, I'm thinking more and more about him! Arg. Is the only way out to say something and find out what he thinks? Either it works out or he declines and then maybe I will stop thinking of what CAN'T occur! GOD! I think I need to know the answer soon before finals comes at least. All these questions I have up in the air is doing me no good. I getting paranoid and acting like a junior high school kid at the same time. I think what I really want is an ANSWER, you know? Not caring exactly what the answer is actually but just like a result, I think.
God, and what he thinks is putting me on edge also. What is his answer is no? My FIRST attempt asking someone out on a date would be a first for me. Not only afraid of refusal but what if he says "Yes?" That would make me unable to sleep for days, which might include the day before. Not only have I never been in a relationship, I don't think I ever been on any sort of date. The one with John, not even! Cause Aaron was there and it was because we were going as friends and it was in the day. But all those times I hang out with Brenton, what do I call those? I think it is just hanging out as friends. Going to eat food and see an occasional movie, no big deal. None of us never said anything to further that relationship so we remains as friends. But I don't think I want that with him? I mean I would like it to go somewhere if I could? I don't know any big flaws of him yet so I can't put him in a "friend" folder. And I not entirely sure that I would really want to. I going 미쳤어. Thinking and going over different scenarios in my stupid mind, what should I make of it?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! 미쳤어. 미쳤어. 미쳤어.
Friends are also suggesting that we should hang out. That I should not just come out and say "I like you" to him. I kinda agree, but ugh, its like I want to get it over. But I think those words are harder or to say now that asking him out. LOL.
Should I just wait and see? It really really depends on the notion of IF I see him. (ESPECIALLY this thursday at Donna's moving thing.)