미쳤어

God. The night before a midterm and I still have not master the art of coming to bed on time. Again, I'm thinking of things and getting ahead of myself. I think the only way to stop it is to say something or act something. All this excessive thinking is getting me fricking nowhere! And I hate thinking of the unknown. Sometimes, it is very scary shit. It's like my mind goes into all these different situations where I plan this big momentous speech or question that my mind wraps into another dimension or something. I know that totally made no sense! but that was what I could put into words at the time. It's just that...I somehow wish I could get it over with. First, it really depends if or when I do see him, if I like the feeling of being with him. Second, whether or not I can confirm the feelings I'm having are geniune. Third, the guts to ask him out.
God, when this year is suppose to be a year where I really needed to focus on my studies, I'm thinking more and more about him! Arg. Is the only way out to say something and find out what he thinks? Either it works out or he declines and then maybe I will stop thinking of what CAN'T occur! GOD! I think I need to know the answer soon before finals comes at least. All these questions I have up in the air is doing me no good. I getting paranoid and acting like a junior high school kid at the same time. I think what I really want is an ANSWER, you know? Not caring exactly what the answer is actually but just like a result, I think.
God, and what he thinks is putting me on edge also. What is his answer is no? My FIRST attempt asking someone out on a date would be a first for me. Not only afraid of refusal but what if he says "Yes?" That would make me unable to sleep for days, which might include the day before. Not only have I never been in a relationship, I don't think I ever been on any sort of date. The one with John, not even! Cause Aaron was there and it was because we were going as friends and it was in the day. But all those times I hang out with Brenton, what do I call those? I think it is just hanging out as friends. Going to eat food and see an occasional movie, no big deal. None of us never said anything to further that relationship so we remains as friends. But I don't think I want that with him? I mean I would like it to go somewhere if I could? I don't know any big flaws of him yet so I can't put him in a "friend" folder. And I not entirely sure that I would really want to. I going 미쳤어. Thinking and going over different scenarios in my stupid mind, what should I make of it?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! 미쳤어. 미쳤어. 미쳤어.
Friends are also suggesting that we should hang out. That I should not just come out and say "I like you" to him. I kinda agree, but ugh, its like I want to get it over. But I think those words are harder or to say now that asking him out. LOL.
Should I just wait and see? It really really depends on the notion of IF I see him. (ESPECIALLY this thursday at Donna's moving thing.)

Jealousy

Jealousy. I'm mostly envious of everyone around me. There would be something that I can find that makes me inferior to them. I know that I give of a snobbish persona and that's wrong, but its not entirely my fault here. I mean, that was the face I was given to work with. I jealous of family members how they don't seem to give a care in the world but anything. I hate that they have to so brutally honest, its not like I'm trying to pry. But if I ask about someone close maybe something a bit personal, you smite me like I'm shit. And make me a piece of shit. Both of them, actually. Even though, its might not be intentional on their part, its like a stab at my heart and feelings.My own brother, I feel only asks when he needs it. Just like me and my dad, he to me, now the little brother to me. We always just ask for something, and expect the other party to just hand it to you. It's this ask and take cycle over and over again, but usually its one sided.
Next, who I am envious of are friends. Those that are this aura of energy that everyone attracts to. And I want them to just be one, but I know that cannot happen. Either I'm tried and gave up or the other person found others to attract to. Should I hate them, or smite them, or be envious to. They have what I want, to attract people attention and all they want is to protect you. Why is it so hard to have. Could one day, it disappear? Friends, all I do is compare them to me, what they have that I don't, and why can't I have that or be more like that? Why can't I be happy more, why can't I be warm to people? Why do people judge me behind my back. Do I deserve it? Not only do I compare mentally but physical traits too. Why can't I be pretty like them? photogenic like them? Why do I feel so ugly? Inside and out. Its so hard sometimes to feel good for myself. Not only is there harsh criticism from others, but my own family. Also, I think the worst comes from myself. Always judging myself, am I pretty enough. I hate my teeth, it will take a year for it to look any better. I hate my small eyes, I wish they could be a little bigger to make me look more welcoming and warm. I hate my fat nose. All because of that stupid accident that ruined my would be normal nose. Why!? Now nothing can fix it. I doubt the fatness can get thinner. And my stupid blackheads and pores....they're huge!!
Third, Couples! Ugh, I swear couples are put on this Earth to make single people life a living hell. I do not like the way the "flaunt" their closeness they have with each other when I'm there. I wish for that. For someone to actually get me and forgives and accept me and me the same. It's just a living example of what I can't have or wish to have. UGH. Some can find it so easily, while some for this eternity may never find one. How ass sad. That is exactly what I am. I try to change, and I know that the effort has to come from my part, but am I just full of ugliness? I hope not. I hope my friends don't think that way of me. I hope my family does not either.....

OCTOBER 14. 2008

Today; officially the day that I have three midterms in a row of.
In simple words, I am SCREWED! Sure I study, but what use is of? I'm pretty sure from the moment I walk into that classroom at 9 am and my other 2 classes that I would blank out everything that I attempted to remember. Well, actually not everything, but off course the most important points. AND WHY?! is the night before so full of crap that I have to deal with!?? Off all the days for this stupid computer to have a massive breakdown of Trojan infections that it had to be today!??! and this morning with the damn construction of the basement bathroom. Then while I was studying, the phone calls either from the parents or to the brother from the very mall I want to work in!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE NO GOOD NEWS???!!!? I SWEAR!!? the secret is bs. I mean I was gratiful, I keep giving off good thoughts, imaging myself in that job, put it in writing, and what not. Its been a month, and STILL no frickin' REPLY!!!! UGH!! I am so frickin pissed right now its not even funny. I swear whoever gets in my way, I will blow up on them!

GOD! of all the frickin days to choose! They choose the day before my midterms. The pivotal moment, the deciding day that will shape the rest of my University career. I really don't think I have any hope within myself. I just hope I can pull through Japanese. If its start out well, it can only get better. (I hope) God the only thing saving me from having a crazy meltdown, is to put all this frustration in writing. I just feel so unprepared! FRICK, like always I wait till the last moments to study half a semester worth of stuff, and for 3 subjects that is alot to retain! Usually I am not worry about any memory stuff, but I'm too afraid of a brain stump. WHAT I SHOULD DO?! I know its too late to ask them to change or anything, maybe I should have asked that in the much earlier, but I was afraid of what the teacher would say...haaaaaaa

Well, upside is, I was not like the day of the Korean midterm....crazy and shaking. But my god. Downside is: Tomorrow will be the longest day! I mean, right after the midterms, go to ec to try to apply for the Coles there, and back to campus to record the damn wimba, find the script, reherse what we say, and do the listening portion of the book, and maybe buy the new Korean textbook....I think I will go crazy tomorrow!!!

What do I feel?

Never ever have I picture myself with anyone. Usually in dreams I have although I could never really make out the other person's face, and I liked that. But now, why now? A image has taken over. I am not even 100% sure that I like him. We haven't even talk about real stuff or anything like that! All I really know is our similar taste in music and dramas. How can I like him just based on that?
Before in the past, all my petty crushes were just simple infatuations. Nothing too complex, just a simple crush. I was not going to say anything to them because I never see myself with them going anywhere. Not now, when I see him, I keep trying to find him in my view. Even though our talks are not too too deep, I enjoy them. I think he makes me smile, even when he is not trying to.I can feel his presence. It's so odd, I already know his walk. LOL.
Actually this should not be to odd to me, from the start he kinda caught my attention. That is too say, I have also noticed him. But it was till later we actually talked and got to know each other a bit more that I wanted to know what he has to say. But for real, I hardly now anything about him! But I think that is what attracts me to him. He is a book I want to read but can't seem to because it needs to be unlocked. Since he isn't the one who to ask the questions I want to know more. I guess I'm that kind of person. One who always asks the question and not the other way around. Even with friends, its the same cycle. I would have to be the one who does the first act. The one who makes the friend, ask the friend, phone the friend, keep the friend. I must say at times its very tiring.
Anyways back to him, whatever I feel for him: could past with time. But the question to myself is "Do I want it to past?" Maybe it was because the caffeine overdose I had yesterday, but it made my heart heard. And now I know it was because of the caffeine. But still without it, I still feel there is something there. Waiting for him to reply, seeing what he has to say and so on. What on Earth is put upon me. Not once in 19 years of existence have I ever felt like I should actually say something to the guy I liked. This is crazy. However, I feel like something needs to be said. If not, I'm going to afraid I will have this regret? I'm trying to limit my regrets these days. However John says that I too scared to actually say anything, but the thing is I'm afraid of the unknown, but at times would like to embrace it. So that is to say, if nothing is ever said, nothing will ever happen. If it is said, its up to him and how he feels to give me the answer. Then I would know. Good or bad. At least I said it and I would know. I would have no regret. I guess its better than just waiting for someone to come.
I know that it would be too soon to look the one. But I getting the feeling that if I like someone at the moment, I have the right to let them and myself know (If I want to that is). Nobody knows what is to come, so if there is someone I actually want to know more in depth way not try to get to know that person. So the question is that do I want more? And I pretty sure the answer to that is YES! But does he want more? than what we are now....?
And once again, my crazy imagination runs visibly wild in my childish head. Thoughts of how I will actually say the words "I Like You!" to him keeps playing in my head, the text I will give afterward. His response: I HAVE NO IDEA! But then images of possible dates? OMG! I do not know why this is happening, back then with people I did like or happens to be friends with (guys that is), I could not see myself with them, no matter how hard I try. I think its because that trial time has past, I seen them and feel nothing there is nothing there. Though with him, it comes so easily. Is that the way it should be? I really want to hug him in the front and back for some reason...haha..especially in the back, and act like a girl in front of him. For some reason, I think he would protect me. Thus, comes my dilemma. How does he feel? Since I barely know him and just blurt out the truth to him, what is to come? Will he react and do something? Or he is not interested at all. From messages on Facebook that he sends, some just hits me. Little words. But it is considered flirting? Why are guys so hard to read. Especially him, he barely shows any strong emotions or seem to the center of attention. But I seem to like that. The fact he does not show that much emotion, I wonder how he would treat a girlfriend. I guess what I'm trying to say is "Can I open him up?" It's so funny because I think I'm the one who needs to open up more. I think he is sweet (I think) and wonders what he thinks of me. And now, deep rooted self esteem issues come rushing in. What if he thinks I'm ugly? like he is not attracted to me? And body-image issues also comes with self esteem issues. HA! It just never ends for girls with self-criticism.
I pretty sure I'm not afraid of his answer so much as to taking that first step. I do not think he knows how I feel since people close to me have no clue either. I know I can't hide my feelings very well, but if ambushed I would know it will be written all over my face. But I don't know. As I'm actually writing this right now, I have this uneasy feeling, and I thought it has past! But the more I think about it, the more I get more anxious. But I think I should wait. I don't even know the next time we will see each other, let alone have the one-on-one chance to say anything......
Well actually all of this really, really depends if I get a call back from Coles since I made myself a deal that (I kinda regret) if I get the job, I might say something to the boy I think I Like. So I'm having my fingers crossed. Who knows what is in my future?