Aug 30

Almost the last days of summer till in a few days classes starts and everything is again the same routine. So for "celebration" of another mother's birthday dinner, my auntie wanted to treat her to dinner. Therefore, we went for sushi on my Emily's suggestion. What I thought was worthwhile blogging is when we were finish eating but still waiting for the "other" bill to be processed, I walked where my brother was and got a candy. There was a table of three, this cute baby with his parents. The little boy had the mohawk like haircut Emily mentioned earlier. As I was walking to Huy, this little boy turned his head in a angle I myself cannot reach, and continue to stare at me. At first I thought it was really cute, I always seem able to hold some attention from to a lot of babies. But maybe it was because of the bright yellow sweater I was wearing but still it was still so cute and flattering!! ^^. I told Huy, and as usual he didn't say much but kept looking. All I could like always is just snicker and give a half smile. After a moment his parents caught him and told him not to be rude but I thought it was still very cure. After his parents said that, he went back but then did the same position staring. At last we had to leave and thats proably the last time I will see that little boy but his position just warms my heart. I wished that I could have applied the same job May have this summer, I think I could have lost some weight and at the same time have loads of fun. Too bad, maybe next next summer.

Action

Recently, I need to review the life I am leading. Instead of leading a slothic life I should really step out and do something. For instance, I feel very negative over my body type issue. I know I am not overweight or underweight. But I just always feel very bad over the way my body looks. I know that maybe every girl in the world has some issue over their body, and the criticisms never seem to stop from someone but more importantly oneself. I just feel if I feel so bad about it, I should have some courage in myself to change it. Getting tone is not hard, just that it will take some time. The biggest problem with me is impatience. I expect results like that! and while I know that it cannot be rushed, I give up to quickly to stick by the plan. I know this habit of mine must change if I am to succeed. Whethter its just over my body image or something else bigger than girl issues, I know that fixing this habit will only better me in the future. So I hope by putting this into text that in the year 2009 I will FINALLY, FINALLY not just say useless words but put it into useful action. So this summer I will actually be happy for the proable vacations I expect to take. Oh! I would love to look fashionable in a dress and not have a 3 month old bulging at the tummy or have ugly thighs! or even unbearalbe arms. I REALLY REALLY WANT A CHANGE! I really want myself to succeed. I know the only thing hindering me and holding me from change is not anybody fault but myself. Years before I wanted this change, but because of my procrastination I know that is what kept me from reaching my goal to this day. Well I'm tired of it. As the new school year comes, I will actually make it a necessary requirement to execercise and tone at least 4 times the week, and hopefully in a few months I will see the results I always dream of.

My "fated" life?

What my mom told me my life might turn out to be:
1. Study hard!! To get further in life (A MUST!)
2. When I am around 29, that is when I will have good luck coming for me. >.<
3. For that to happen I would be alway from the parents somewhere far away
4. I could have a pretty successful life??!!!??? with a husband???!!!??
5. If I do borne a baby, at first sight I cannot see it cover in blood
6. I am "soil"

Very interesting I might say. If its come true I wouldn't mind since it sounds good. But I am a kinda realistic so I would not expect much.

Reflection

Few days back from a mini trip to Banff, and feel like blah. Don't know how to explain it. The one night and 2 days in Banff was full of laughs, soreness, and mixed emotions. By the end I was kinda pissed for no reasons with the people I was with. Although I do feel bad over it I could really figure out what was the reason behind it. But it was nice to go out outdoors with the cool mountains and the cool pine trees. It was very pretty there and nostalgic. Canoing was very difficult. I cannot believe why it was so hard to stay straight, by the end of the night my arms were killing me!!! -__- But I hope that all that hard work did something for my arms. Now I am really frustrated with inches!! Ugh. It's like I never seem to lose fat! I hate that! I hope! I really hope and need to lose these extra inches! If I cannot be a wall I will dammit be toned! I have such low self image. Ugh. WHY!?
LIST:
1. MUST get into business.
2. Get another job, earn money
3. Get thin, toned!
4. Paris? Tokyo?

Thoughts

17.08.08. 2:38 am.
Yesterday at work, all the stuff they had to do to prepare for that wedding. Beside me, being slow in service at the end, everything I think was ok. The first time I have seen Hall D like that. It was awesome. The beige color, the draping of the curtains, and the loads of orchid flowers was so beautiful. Anyways, back to thoughts, at the moment, I cannot seem to sleep. Too much overthinking and also my room is too hot to sleep. Oh, how I wish I could afford for the summer vacations for 2009. I could already imagine how the days would even before I am there. That is how I am! I get excited for something and over think the idea too much. Sometimes I think thinking too much would actually stop the trip from going. I really, really, really want this to go through. But there is always the problem which involves the almighty dollar. Why!? Everything cost money in this world! To go somewhere, to stay somewhere! To eat something, to do something. I am sometimes so sick of it, but I know that I love money. The world revolves this paper money that every country makes and distribute. So much power is given to a coloured paper bill. I totally need another job, and if allows a third! I just hope that my studies will not follow behind and in reverse will rise because of the goals and the pressure. (fingers crossed.)

Plans for future trips

Wow. So many plans for next summer, and so many places I want to go. I could imagine how it would be but so afraid that I cannot live without the right amount of money. My God the amount of money that one must have to travel.

Overthinking

I sometimes think way too much to myself, although some may think that I don't think enough. Sometimes its really over stupid things. And at times, its over thinking things that will never, ever happen. Well, unless I say something. It's so hard at the same time: to not think. When I do think, its of hopes, and mostly comebacks to get back or prepare for people..haha. But seriously, I just hate thinking at times. But instead I wish I would act, maybe I would think so much about it. But the thing is.........I know it will continue, and I don't want to look like a fool. Its not even fact yet, and acting on thoughts instead of emotions would be unlike me. LOL,
I sometimes do regret the stupids things that I do, but I almost have many regrets over things that could have been done. WHY? am I so unresponsive? I hate that. The thought of myself, acting on impulse is unheard of. And I could never give the first move, and on that note, the second one also. Maybe this is why I miss on other things in my 19 year of existence. Not once, have I........something. Oh! How I just wish that someone would change this stupid habit of mine. But unfortunately, I doubt that would happen. There are times when one must admit that flaws must be fixed by oneself and also willing to change.
There are so many around me that at the moment has someone closer than a friend to share their day with. A companion to spend the short and sometimes dreadfully long days with. A person that you can reveal to or go to. I, however, have yet to find that special someone. And as I will continue to stress in my future posts the hopelessness of this predicament. As I look at the pairs that are increasing, along increases my envy and warmth that grows within me. I would be jealous because of them and yet glad that they found someone to confide in and that brings me some humbleness. I regret that. Because I can't really hate them for it, since they are so happy over it.
And now back to inability to sleep on time these days. It could be the fact that I sleep late (early) and wake up late. and then the excessive thinking of unreliable dreams or thoughts.
What is a crush? or actually in Chinese? What is 喑戀? Secretly liking a person without ever telling the other person how you really feel. In the past, I would no idea how many times I "like" someone. But the thing is, I never knew the person, very well. I guess it was never anything serious, I never proclaimed it to anyone at least. Buy now as I look back at this, it was a good thing. Thank god! Because the people I "like" was nothing to boast about, I kinda regret my taste back then. But I forgive myself, since I was so young back then. However, when I think of 喑戀, I would think it would be very hard. Because it would be for a long period of time and just a bunch of waiting for maybe...nothing. But I think that is how I would always be. Since I have never been in love, it can't say for myself how I would act in a relationship, since I have had one. T.T. But, I don't know, I think I might let that person down. I think I am very easily persuaded? I can't say that I might not change my mind about that person or stab them in the back? As I have been. I just, don't have that faith in myself. On the other side, I somehow think that if its the right person, I would do anything for him. I would put him first and not look back. Though that may sound overbearing, I think I would know not to go too overboard. I think that I could give a lot of love even though I think its hard for to to accept it.
ARRHH. I sometimes feel that I am just meant to be a loner. Even though I have friends. Its really hard for me to keep them. Let alone get to know them. Finding a friend is hard, getting to know them is hard also. I would say that I can kinda start a conversation, but ever get the feeling that your the only one interested or asking the questions? It's like I'm the only one doing the working or putting in the effort, and the other person couldn't care less. I frequently get that feeling, and it hurts. I am always interested even though I seem pissed. If the right person comes along, a simple gesture could just turn me around. But sometimes, a simple word from a close one can just bring me back to hell. And I don't even know what I did to deserve that. It's not like I say that in front of others about that person, or even treated you like dirt. Sometimes I really do abide that phrase "Treat others how you wanted to be treated yourself" but it doesn't seem to work with close ones or sometimes friends. I know that at times I can be overbearing or a "bitch" but its not like its on purpose. Its just that it comes off that way and I do not know what the exact reason is. Oh, how freaking emotional I can get! and I really hate it. Its like everyone can read my face, and I don't like that. That is why I so scared to work in the real world. Whenever I am pissed or intimated or whatever, it is on my face. What if everyone I meet says something mean to me, I would not really yell back but instead burst out in tears, and I do not want that. How to explain, its so scary for people to get under your skin. I would know, its have been done for 19 years of my existing life and by everyone I know. Whether the words were intentional or not, its still hurts a whole lot!! I can't help it, I just cannot seem to control my emotions as well as I wish. Because as I was writing the above paragraphs I was getting watery, See?!!? Even as I reminiscence the past events, I still manages to bring water to my eyes.

First post

First ever post on my own blog. Before it was mostly posting notes on Facebook.
So, now I will mostly write my inner most thoughts and feelings onto this blog....maybe...lol.
As my ever post, I would like to say that whoever may stubble upon my many rants and outrages over stupid, stupid things, forgive me. LOL. I am mainly using a blog as tool for improving my much needed writing skills and style. Along with the idea, that writing may help me smooth my emotions over and a way to release my stress from everyday life. Also, stupid things that I might do (and there is alot) and just how my life is now when I read back in the future.