Overthinking

I sometimes think way too much to myself, although some may think that I don't think enough. Sometimes its really over stupid things. And at times, its over thinking things that will never, ever happen. Well, unless I say something. It's so hard at the same time: to not think. When I do think, its of hopes, and mostly comebacks to get back or prepare for people..haha. But seriously, I just hate thinking at times. But instead I wish I would act, maybe I would think so much about it. But the thing is.........I know it will continue, and I don't want to look like a fool. Its not even fact yet, and acting on thoughts instead of emotions would be unlike me. LOL,
I sometimes do regret the stupids things that I do, but I almost have many regrets over things that could have been done. WHY? am I so unresponsive? I hate that. The thought of myself, acting on impulse is unheard of. And I could never give the first move, and on that note, the second one also. Maybe this is why I miss on other things in my 19 year of existence. Not once, have I........something. Oh! How I just wish that someone would change this stupid habit of mine. But unfortunately, I doubt that would happen. There are times when one must admit that flaws must be fixed by oneself and also willing to change.
There are so many around me that at the moment has someone closer than a friend to share their day with. A companion to spend the short and sometimes dreadfully long days with. A person that you can reveal to or go to. I, however, have yet to find that special someone. And as I will continue to stress in my future posts the hopelessness of this predicament. As I look at the pairs that are increasing, along increases my envy and warmth that grows within me. I would be jealous because of them and yet glad that they found someone to confide in and that brings me some humbleness. I regret that. Because I can't really hate them for it, since they are so happy over it.
And now back to inability to sleep on time these days. It could be the fact that I sleep late (early) and wake up late. and then the excessive thinking of unreliable dreams or thoughts.
What is a crush? or actually in Chinese? What is 喑戀? Secretly liking a person without ever telling the other person how you really feel. In the past, I would no idea how many times I "like" someone. But the thing is, I never knew the person, very well. I guess it was never anything serious, I never proclaimed it to anyone at least. Buy now as I look back at this, it was a good thing. Thank god! Because the people I "like" was nothing to boast about, I kinda regret my taste back then. But I forgive myself, since I was so young back then. However, when I think of 喑戀, I would think it would be very hard. Because it would be for a long period of time and just a bunch of waiting for maybe...nothing. But I think that is how I would always be. Since I have never been in love, it can't say for myself how I would act in a relationship, since I have had one. T.T. But, I don't know, I think I might let that person down. I think I am very easily persuaded? I can't say that I might not change my mind about that person or stab them in the back? As I have been. I just, don't have that faith in myself. On the other side, I somehow think that if its the right person, I would do anything for him. I would put him first and not look back. Though that may sound overbearing, I think I would know not to go too overboard. I think that I could give a lot of love even though I think its hard for to to accept it.
ARRHH. I sometimes feel that I am just meant to be a loner. Even though I have friends. Its really hard for me to keep them. Let alone get to know them. Finding a friend is hard, getting to know them is hard also. I would say that I can kinda start a conversation, but ever get the feeling that your the only one interested or asking the questions? It's like I'm the only one doing the working or putting in the effort, and the other person couldn't care less. I frequently get that feeling, and it hurts. I am always interested even though I seem pissed. If the right person comes along, a simple gesture could just turn me around. But sometimes, a simple word from a close one can just bring me back to hell. And I don't even know what I did to deserve that. It's not like I say that in front of others about that person, or even treated you like dirt. Sometimes I really do abide that phrase "Treat others how you wanted to be treated yourself" but it doesn't seem to work with close ones or sometimes friends. I know that at times I can be overbearing or a "bitch" but its not like its on purpose. Its just that it comes off that way and I do not know what the exact reason is. Oh, how freaking emotional I can get! and I really hate it. Its like everyone can read my face, and I don't like that. That is why I so scared to work in the real world. Whenever I am pissed or intimated or whatever, it is on my face. What if everyone I meet says something mean to me, I would not really yell back but instead burst out in tears, and I do not want that. How to explain, its so scary for people to get under your skin. I would know, its have been done for 19 years of my existing life and by everyone I know. Whether the words were intentional or not, its still hurts a whole lot!! I can't help it, I just cannot seem to control my emotions as well as I wish. Because as I was writing the above paragraphs I was getting watery, See?!!? Even as I reminiscence the past events, I still manages to bring water to my eyes.