미쳤어

God. The night before a midterm and I still have not master the art of coming to bed on time. Again, I'm thinking of things and getting ahead of myself. I think the only way to stop it is to say something or act something. All this excessive thinking is getting me fricking nowhere! And I hate thinking of the unknown. Sometimes, it is very scary shit. It's like my mind goes into all these different situations where I plan this big momentous speech or question that my mind wraps into another dimension or something. I know that totally made no sense! but that was what I could put into words at the time. It's just that...I somehow wish I could get it over with. First, it really depends if or when I do see him, if I like the feeling of being with him. Second, whether or not I can confirm the feelings I'm having are geniune. Third, the guts to ask him out.
God, when this year is suppose to be a year where I really needed to focus on my studies, I'm thinking more and more about him! Arg. Is the only way out to say something and find out what he thinks? Either it works out or he declines and then maybe I will stop thinking of what CAN'T occur! GOD! I think I need to know the answer soon before finals comes at least. All these questions I have up in the air is doing me no good. I getting paranoid and acting like a junior high school kid at the same time. I think what I really want is an ANSWER, you know? Not caring exactly what the answer is actually but just like a result, I think.
God, and what he thinks is putting me on edge also. What is his answer is no? My FIRST attempt asking someone out on a date would be a first for me. Not only afraid of refusal but what if he says "Yes?" That would make me unable to sleep for days, which might include the day before. Not only have I never been in a relationship, I don't think I ever been on any sort of date. The one with John, not even! Cause Aaron was there and it was because we were going as friends and it was in the day. But all those times I hang out with Brenton, what do I call those? I think it is just hanging out as friends. Going to eat food and see an occasional movie, no big deal. None of us never said anything to further that relationship so we remains as friends. But I don't think I want that with him? I mean I would like it to go somewhere if I could? I don't know any big flaws of him yet so I can't put him in a "friend" folder. And I not entirely sure that I would really want to. I going 미쳤어. Thinking and going over different scenarios in my stupid mind, what should I make of it?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! 미쳤어. 미쳤어. 미쳤어.
Friends are also suggesting that we should hang out. That I should not just come out and say "I like you" to him. I kinda agree, but ugh, its like I want to get it over. But I think those words are harder or to say now that asking him out. LOL.
Should I just wait and see? It really really depends on the notion of IF I see him. (ESPECIALLY this thursday at Donna's moving thing.)

Jealousy

Jealousy. I'm mostly envious of everyone around me. There would be something that I can find that makes me inferior to them. I know that I give of a snobbish persona and that's wrong, but its not entirely my fault here. I mean, that was the face I was given to work with. I jealous of family members how they don't seem to give a care in the world but anything. I hate that they have to so brutally honest, its not like I'm trying to pry. But if I ask about someone close maybe something a bit personal, you smite me like I'm shit. And make me a piece of shit. Both of them, actually. Even though, its might not be intentional on their part, its like a stab at my heart and feelings.My own brother, I feel only asks when he needs it. Just like me and my dad, he to me, now the little brother to me. We always just ask for something, and expect the other party to just hand it to you. It's this ask and take cycle over and over again, but usually its one sided.
Next, who I am envious of are friends. Those that are this aura of energy that everyone attracts to. And I want them to just be one, but I know that cannot happen. Either I'm tried and gave up or the other person found others to attract to. Should I hate them, or smite them, or be envious to. They have what I want, to attract people attention and all they want is to protect you. Why is it so hard to have. Could one day, it disappear? Friends, all I do is compare them to me, what they have that I don't, and why can't I have that or be more like that? Why can't I be happy more, why can't I be warm to people? Why do people judge me behind my back. Do I deserve it? Not only do I compare mentally but physical traits too. Why can't I be pretty like them? photogenic like them? Why do I feel so ugly? Inside and out. Its so hard sometimes to feel good for myself. Not only is there harsh criticism from others, but my own family. Also, I think the worst comes from myself. Always judging myself, am I pretty enough. I hate my teeth, it will take a year for it to look any better. I hate my small eyes, I wish they could be a little bigger to make me look more welcoming and warm. I hate my fat nose. All because of that stupid accident that ruined my would be normal nose. Why!? Now nothing can fix it. I doubt the fatness can get thinner. And my stupid blackheads and pores....they're huge!!
Third, Couples! Ugh, I swear couples are put on this Earth to make single people life a living hell. I do not like the way the "flaunt" their closeness they have with each other when I'm there. I wish for that. For someone to actually get me and forgives and accept me and me the same. It's just a living example of what I can't have or wish to have. UGH. Some can find it so easily, while some for this eternity may never find one. How ass sad. That is exactly what I am. I try to change, and I know that the effort has to come from my part, but am I just full of ugliness? I hope not. I hope my friends don't think that way of me. I hope my family does not either.....

OCTOBER 14. 2008

Today; officially the day that I have three midterms in a row of.
In simple words, I am SCREWED! Sure I study, but what use is of? I'm pretty sure from the moment I walk into that classroom at 9 am and my other 2 classes that I would blank out everything that I attempted to remember. Well, actually not everything, but off course the most important points. AND WHY?! is the night before so full of crap that I have to deal with!?? Off all the days for this stupid computer to have a massive breakdown of Trojan infections that it had to be today!??! and this morning with the damn construction of the basement bathroom. Then while I was studying, the phone calls either from the parents or to the brother from the very mall I want to work in!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE NO GOOD NEWS???!!!? I SWEAR!!? the secret is bs. I mean I was gratiful, I keep giving off good thoughts, imaging myself in that job, put it in writing, and what not. Its been a month, and STILL no frickin' REPLY!!!! UGH!! I am so frickin pissed right now its not even funny. I swear whoever gets in my way, I will blow up on them!

GOD! of all the frickin days to choose! They choose the day before my midterms. The pivotal moment, the deciding day that will shape the rest of my University career. I really don't think I have any hope within myself. I just hope I can pull through Japanese. If its start out well, it can only get better. (I hope) God the only thing saving me from having a crazy meltdown, is to put all this frustration in writing. I just feel so unprepared! FRICK, like always I wait till the last moments to study half a semester worth of stuff, and for 3 subjects that is alot to retain! Usually I am not worry about any memory stuff, but I'm too afraid of a brain stump. WHAT I SHOULD DO?! I know its too late to ask them to change or anything, maybe I should have asked that in the much earlier, but I was afraid of what the teacher would say...haaaaaaa

Well, upside is, I was not like the day of the Korean midterm....crazy and shaking. But my god. Downside is: Tomorrow will be the longest day! I mean, right after the midterms, go to ec to try to apply for the Coles there, and back to campus to record the damn wimba, find the script, reherse what we say, and do the listening portion of the book, and maybe buy the new Korean textbook....I think I will go crazy tomorrow!!!

What do I feel?

Never ever have I picture myself with anyone. Usually in dreams I have although I could never really make out the other person's face, and I liked that. But now, why now? A image has taken over. I am not even 100% sure that I like him. We haven't even talk about real stuff or anything like that! All I really know is our similar taste in music and dramas. How can I like him just based on that?
Before in the past, all my petty crushes were just simple infatuations. Nothing too complex, just a simple crush. I was not going to say anything to them because I never see myself with them going anywhere. Not now, when I see him, I keep trying to find him in my view. Even though our talks are not too too deep, I enjoy them. I think he makes me smile, even when he is not trying to.I can feel his presence. It's so odd, I already know his walk. LOL.
Actually this should not be to odd to me, from the start he kinda caught my attention. That is too say, I have also noticed him. But it was till later we actually talked and got to know each other a bit more that I wanted to know what he has to say. But for real, I hardly now anything about him! But I think that is what attracts me to him. He is a book I want to read but can't seem to because it needs to be unlocked. Since he isn't the one who to ask the questions I want to know more. I guess I'm that kind of person. One who always asks the question and not the other way around. Even with friends, its the same cycle. I would have to be the one who does the first act. The one who makes the friend, ask the friend, phone the friend, keep the friend. I must say at times its very tiring.
Anyways back to him, whatever I feel for him: could past with time. But the question to myself is "Do I want it to past?" Maybe it was because the caffeine overdose I had yesterday, but it made my heart heard. And now I know it was because of the caffeine. But still without it, I still feel there is something there. Waiting for him to reply, seeing what he has to say and so on. What on Earth is put upon me. Not once in 19 years of existence have I ever felt like I should actually say something to the guy I liked. This is crazy. However, I feel like something needs to be said. If not, I'm going to afraid I will have this regret? I'm trying to limit my regrets these days. However John says that I too scared to actually say anything, but the thing is I'm afraid of the unknown, but at times would like to embrace it. So that is to say, if nothing is ever said, nothing will ever happen. If it is said, its up to him and how he feels to give me the answer. Then I would know. Good or bad. At least I said it and I would know. I would have no regret. I guess its better than just waiting for someone to come.
I know that it would be too soon to look the one. But I getting the feeling that if I like someone at the moment, I have the right to let them and myself know (If I want to that is). Nobody knows what is to come, so if there is someone I actually want to know more in depth way not try to get to know that person. So the question is that do I want more? And I pretty sure the answer to that is YES! But does he want more? than what we are now....?
And once again, my crazy imagination runs visibly wild in my childish head. Thoughts of how I will actually say the words "I Like You!" to him keeps playing in my head, the text I will give afterward. His response: I HAVE NO IDEA! But then images of possible dates? OMG! I do not know why this is happening, back then with people I did like or happens to be friends with (guys that is), I could not see myself with them, no matter how hard I try. I think its because that trial time has past, I seen them and feel nothing there is nothing there. Though with him, it comes so easily. Is that the way it should be? I really want to hug him in the front and back for some reason...haha..especially in the back, and act like a girl in front of him. For some reason, I think he would protect me. Thus, comes my dilemma. How does he feel? Since I barely know him and just blurt out the truth to him, what is to come? Will he react and do something? Or he is not interested at all. From messages on Facebook that he sends, some just hits me. Little words. But it is considered flirting? Why are guys so hard to read. Especially him, he barely shows any strong emotions or seem to the center of attention. But I seem to like that. The fact he does not show that much emotion, I wonder how he would treat a girlfriend. I guess what I'm trying to say is "Can I open him up?" It's so funny because I think I'm the one who needs to open up more. I think he is sweet (I think) and wonders what he thinks of me. And now, deep rooted self esteem issues come rushing in. What if he thinks I'm ugly? like he is not attracted to me? And body-image issues also comes with self esteem issues. HA! It just never ends for girls with self-criticism.
I pretty sure I'm not afraid of his answer so much as to taking that first step. I do not think he knows how I feel since people close to me have no clue either. I know I can't hide my feelings very well, but if ambushed I would know it will be written all over my face. But I don't know. As I'm actually writing this right now, I have this uneasy feeling, and I thought it has past! But the more I think about it, the more I get more anxious. But I think I should wait. I don't even know the next time we will see each other, let alone have the one-on-one chance to say anything......
Well actually all of this really, really depends if I get a call back from Coles since I made myself a deal that (I kinda regret) if I get the job, I might say something to the boy I think I Like. So I'm having my fingers crossed. Who knows what is in my future?

Sept 7, 2008

It's been some time since I have been writing, mostly due to the beginning of classes again and worry. The first day I must say I was overwhelmed and that follow to the second day. The first day: JAPANESE 301. Not only was there many people I knew in that class but I am kinda afraid since there is only one midterm instead of two. That means I only have one chance to make it! History class, although I know I will like but man! that teacher I can barely hear what he is saying! Not only is he far from us, he does not have a mike or anything and to make matters worse, he mumbles!!!!!! GOD! I just hope that is just a one time thing...but something tells me it isn't. I'm pretty sure that the whole semester my ears need to be wide awake for this class. The second day: an Q&A session with the business adviser, that Sarah lady that I have email before. I just felt that she was rushing me and wanted to get it over quickly, and she kinda push me to get an degree then to apply for an after-degree, like what Vanessa (which by the way I met while lining in line for book return) is doing right now. But the thing is, that will definitely take me 6 years, and at my rate (not enough credits for a degree anyways-120 credits) 7+ years to complete. So the best idea is to get into business this year. And for 2 hard years to get a business degree. The love hate relationship I have with getting into business is that I know I can get in, but I doubt myself wayyy to much! and I think I slack off too much, or put it off thinking that I can make it up. But the thing is that everything counts! You need to get the highest mark in every assignment, every test so those marks do not drag you down. I know that I doubt myself too much. I just know that once I get accepted into that faculty I can let go some of that doubt.
So from here on out I make an oath to myself. This year when I apply into business I WILL get IN! I must achieve a 3.5-3.3 average. Mommy makes a very good point: that I don't study hard enough or at effective because if others could make those marks so can I. I know she has very hopes for me and I soo don't want to dissapoint her since she and daddy works so hard for us. I really want to be strong and earn the bread for the family one day. I know as the days past they are getting older and hurting physically more, I just want they have some rest. At this rate, I have no idea what age they will retire at! It's just so sad. I wish I could provided them with more. So this year, study ahead, review before and after, particpate more in japanese class! And really push your limit! I really need this! I cannot to lose another year! I have no back up plan! LOL. So there is only one plan! PLAN A!
Reasons to get in:
Finally have direction!
Do not have to worry what to do next.
Not wasting another year.
Still be young when I graduate.
(If I make enough money) can go to paris and tokyo!
LOL.

I REALLY HOPE/WISH/PLAN/WILL! GET INTO THE FACULTY OF BUSINESS OR DIE TRYING. YOU MUST/NEED/WILL GET A GPA OF 3.3 AND ABOVE! NOTHING LESS IS ACCEPTABLE! YOU UNDERSTAND?

Aug 30

Almost the last days of summer till in a few days classes starts and everything is again the same routine. So for "celebration" of another mother's birthday dinner, my auntie wanted to treat her to dinner. Therefore, we went for sushi on my Emily's suggestion. What I thought was worthwhile blogging is when we were finish eating but still waiting for the "other" bill to be processed, I walked where my brother was and got a candy. There was a table of three, this cute baby with his parents. The little boy had the mohawk like haircut Emily mentioned earlier. As I was walking to Huy, this little boy turned his head in a angle I myself cannot reach, and continue to stare at me. At first I thought it was really cute, I always seem able to hold some attention from to a lot of babies. But maybe it was because of the bright yellow sweater I was wearing but still it was still so cute and flattering!! ^^. I told Huy, and as usual he didn't say much but kept looking. All I could like always is just snicker and give a half smile. After a moment his parents caught him and told him not to be rude but I thought it was still very cure. After his parents said that, he went back but then did the same position staring. At last we had to leave and thats proably the last time I will see that little boy but his position just warms my heart. I wished that I could have applied the same job May have this summer, I think I could have lost some weight and at the same time have loads of fun. Too bad, maybe next next summer.

Action

Recently, I need to review the life I am leading. Instead of leading a slothic life I should really step out and do something. For instance, I feel very negative over my body type issue. I know I am not overweight or underweight. But I just always feel very bad over the way my body looks. I know that maybe every girl in the world has some issue over their body, and the criticisms never seem to stop from someone but more importantly oneself. I just feel if I feel so bad about it, I should have some courage in myself to change it. Getting tone is not hard, just that it will take some time. The biggest problem with me is impatience. I expect results like that! and while I know that it cannot be rushed, I give up to quickly to stick by the plan. I know this habit of mine must change if I am to succeed. Whethter its just over my body image or something else bigger than girl issues, I know that fixing this habit will only better me in the future. So I hope by putting this into text that in the year 2009 I will FINALLY, FINALLY not just say useless words but put it into useful action. So this summer I will actually be happy for the proable vacations I expect to take. Oh! I would love to look fashionable in a dress and not have a 3 month old bulging at the tummy or have ugly thighs! or even unbearalbe arms. I REALLY REALLY WANT A CHANGE! I really want myself to succeed. I know the only thing hindering me and holding me from change is not anybody fault but myself. Years before I wanted this change, but because of my procrastination I know that is what kept me from reaching my goal to this day. Well I'm tired of it. As the new school year comes, I will actually make it a necessary requirement to execercise and tone at least 4 times the week, and hopefully in a few months I will see the results I always dream of.

My "fated" life?

What my mom told me my life might turn out to be:
1. Study hard!! To get further in life (A MUST!)
2. When I am around 29, that is when I will have good luck coming for me. >.<
3. For that to happen I would be alway from the parents somewhere far away
4. I could have a pretty successful life??!!!??? with a husband???!!!??
5. If I do borne a baby, at first sight I cannot see it cover in blood
6. I am "soil"

Very interesting I might say. If its come true I wouldn't mind since it sounds good. But I am a kinda realistic so I would not expect much.

Reflection

Few days back from a mini trip to Banff, and feel like blah. Don't know how to explain it. The one night and 2 days in Banff was full of laughs, soreness, and mixed emotions. By the end I was kinda pissed for no reasons with the people I was with. Although I do feel bad over it I could really figure out what was the reason behind it. But it was nice to go out outdoors with the cool mountains and the cool pine trees. It was very pretty there and nostalgic. Canoing was very difficult. I cannot believe why it was so hard to stay straight, by the end of the night my arms were killing me!!! -__- But I hope that all that hard work did something for my arms. Now I am really frustrated with inches!! Ugh. It's like I never seem to lose fat! I hate that! I hope! I really hope and need to lose these extra inches! If I cannot be a wall I will dammit be toned! I have such low self image. Ugh. WHY!?
LIST:
1. MUST get into business.
2. Get another job, earn money
3. Get thin, toned!
4. Paris? Tokyo?

Thoughts

17.08.08. 2:38 am.
Yesterday at work, all the stuff they had to do to prepare for that wedding. Beside me, being slow in service at the end, everything I think was ok. The first time I have seen Hall D like that. It was awesome. The beige color, the draping of the curtains, and the loads of orchid flowers was so beautiful. Anyways, back to thoughts, at the moment, I cannot seem to sleep. Too much overthinking and also my room is too hot to sleep. Oh, how I wish I could afford for the summer vacations for 2009. I could already imagine how the days would even before I am there. That is how I am! I get excited for something and over think the idea too much. Sometimes I think thinking too much would actually stop the trip from going. I really, really, really want this to go through. But there is always the problem which involves the almighty dollar. Why!? Everything cost money in this world! To go somewhere, to stay somewhere! To eat something, to do something. I am sometimes so sick of it, but I know that I love money. The world revolves this paper money that every country makes and distribute. So much power is given to a coloured paper bill. I totally need another job, and if allows a third! I just hope that my studies will not follow behind and in reverse will rise because of the goals and the pressure. (fingers crossed.)

Plans for future trips

Wow. So many plans for next summer, and so many places I want to go. I could imagine how it would be but so afraid that I cannot live without the right amount of money. My God the amount of money that one must have to travel.

Overthinking

I sometimes think way too much to myself, although some may think that I don't think enough. Sometimes its really over stupid things. And at times, its over thinking things that will never, ever happen. Well, unless I say something. It's so hard at the same time: to not think. When I do think, its of hopes, and mostly comebacks to get back or prepare for people..haha. But seriously, I just hate thinking at times. But instead I wish I would act, maybe I would think so much about it. But the thing is.........I know it will continue, and I don't want to look like a fool. Its not even fact yet, and acting on thoughts instead of emotions would be unlike me. LOL,
I sometimes do regret the stupids things that I do, but I almost have many regrets over things that could have been done. WHY? am I so unresponsive? I hate that. The thought of myself, acting on impulse is unheard of. And I could never give the first move, and on that note, the second one also. Maybe this is why I miss on other things in my 19 year of existence. Not once, have I........something. Oh! How I just wish that someone would change this stupid habit of mine. But unfortunately, I doubt that would happen. There are times when one must admit that flaws must be fixed by oneself and also willing to change.
There are so many around me that at the moment has someone closer than a friend to share their day with. A companion to spend the short and sometimes dreadfully long days with. A person that you can reveal to or go to. I, however, have yet to find that special someone. And as I will continue to stress in my future posts the hopelessness of this predicament. As I look at the pairs that are increasing, along increases my envy and warmth that grows within me. I would be jealous because of them and yet glad that they found someone to confide in and that brings me some humbleness. I regret that. Because I can't really hate them for it, since they are so happy over it.
And now back to inability to sleep on time these days. It could be the fact that I sleep late (early) and wake up late. and then the excessive thinking of unreliable dreams or thoughts.
What is a crush? or actually in Chinese? What is 喑戀? Secretly liking a person without ever telling the other person how you really feel. In the past, I would no idea how many times I "like" someone. But the thing is, I never knew the person, very well. I guess it was never anything serious, I never proclaimed it to anyone at least. Buy now as I look back at this, it was a good thing. Thank god! Because the people I "like" was nothing to boast about, I kinda regret my taste back then. But I forgive myself, since I was so young back then. However, when I think of 喑戀, I would think it would be very hard. Because it would be for a long period of time and just a bunch of waiting for maybe...nothing. But I think that is how I would always be. Since I have never been in love, it can't say for myself how I would act in a relationship, since I have had one. T.T. But, I don't know, I think I might let that person down. I think I am very easily persuaded? I can't say that I might not change my mind about that person or stab them in the back? As I have been. I just, don't have that faith in myself. On the other side, I somehow think that if its the right person, I would do anything for him. I would put him first and not look back. Though that may sound overbearing, I think I would know not to go too overboard. I think that I could give a lot of love even though I think its hard for to to accept it.
ARRHH. I sometimes feel that I am just meant to be a loner. Even though I have friends. Its really hard for me to keep them. Let alone get to know them. Finding a friend is hard, getting to know them is hard also. I would say that I can kinda start a conversation, but ever get the feeling that your the only one interested or asking the questions? It's like I'm the only one doing the working or putting in the effort, and the other person couldn't care less. I frequently get that feeling, and it hurts. I am always interested even though I seem pissed. If the right person comes along, a simple gesture could just turn me around. But sometimes, a simple word from a close one can just bring me back to hell. And I don't even know what I did to deserve that. It's not like I say that in front of others about that person, or even treated you like dirt. Sometimes I really do abide that phrase "Treat others how you wanted to be treated yourself" but it doesn't seem to work with close ones or sometimes friends. I know that at times I can be overbearing or a "bitch" but its not like its on purpose. Its just that it comes off that way and I do not know what the exact reason is. Oh, how freaking emotional I can get! and I really hate it. Its like everyone can read my face, and I don't like that. That is why I so scared to work in the real world. Whenever I am pissed or intimated or whatever, it is on my face. What if everyone I meet says something mean to me, I would not really yell back but instead burst out in tears, and I do not want that. How to explain, its so scary for people to get under your skin. I would know, its have been done for 19 years of my existing life and by everyone I know. Whether the words were intentional or not, its still hurts a whole lot!! I can't help it, I just cannot seem to control my emotions as well as I wish. Because as I was writing the above paragraphs I was getting watery, See?!!? Even as I reminiscence the past events, I still manages to bring water to my eyes.

First post

First ever post on my own blog. Before it was mostly posting notes on Facebook.
So, now I will mostly write my inner most thoughts and feelings onto this blog....maybe...lol.
As my ever post, I would like to say that whoever may stubble upon my many rants and outrages over stupid, stupid things, forgive me. LOL. I am mainly using a blog as tool for improving my much needed writing skills and style. Along with the idea, that writing may help me smooth my emotions over and a way to release my stress from everyday life. Also, stupid things that I might do (and there is alot) and just how my life is now when I read back in the future.