Shit.
Who knew that real life can hit so close to home.
I always thought we would be OK. But life just had to step on.
Now whatever I do, there is not way to help keep the water from overflowing
because there is already cracks in the wall.
How am I suppose to help the family?
When I'm going on this big spurge of at rip which I don't even money to afford myself!
Shit.
When I saw that paper tonight, I prayed it was a stupid joke.
but it said terminated.
What are they to do?
I thought he losing a job last last summer was a shock enough,
but now..SHIT! How will they keep up?
I feel so much guilt and so helpless knowing that what money
I can make I can't even give to them because I going on this expensive trip.
I feel like a selfish brat.
All the worries and stress and effort and time spent on this big trip is just
brought by endless guilt now knowing that
I should be helping more at home.
I don't even know if bro knows, should I tell him?
What can he do?
Sometimes I just wish we win the lottery already.
Or somehow we come to this huge pile of cash.
Because I know I not going to meet this person to take care all of my troubles.
My life is not a TW drama.
But when can I do? He's sick and she has all the responsibilities of the family to worry about.
I just sorry, Mom and Dad. I can't do anything.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
1st Blog in months!
In the past, everything was so simple. There was nothing to hide from.Nothing to run from, nothing to cry over.Now, Everything has changed.Why?Why does troubles grow as days pass by?Why does fear grows stronger when the years pass on?Is there no end.Why has life got so complicated?There is drama everywhere. Gossip at every corner, and bs all around.Why do I care so much?Why can't I just let go and let others do their own thing.Am I an enabler or just a crybaby?Maybe I'm both.
Why is this world so cruel to me and others.We all make mistakes, why is everything so serious and stupid?I worry over if I'm a good:friend,sister,daughter,cousin,believer,studentperson, it never ends.
As tears fall down my face, It doesn't stop but falls down harder.I know there is more I can do for everyone. But I feel so selfish for always putting me first.Why is that?
My room is cold and messy and I want to clear the clutter in my room and in my mind. But the mind never stops just like how I can't stop from caring and giving a shit for others.Others might call me meddling and tell me to stop being nosy and just leave tell be.But how can I help if I don't know the whole story?Maybe they don't need help from me? Or don't think I am useful. ButEven if others need me there to listen, I can be there for them.I lost enough friends to put in that effort. I don't want to lose more people that I let into my world just to let them slip away as tunes goes by. But if that time was to come, I would fight for it before I give up.
But some just don't seem to understand. And continue to judge.I don't want the people I know and love to be judge and step on by others.That's not what a human being should do in life.I'm far from perfect,there is some much of me that can be improved,and when others judge me and the people I know,I can't accept that.It's not in me to just let it pass by, I want to, no, have to stick up for them. Even though the odds are against me,I want to say something,
As time passes by, why is that life doesn't become easier. That the guidebook to life is an easier book to read.I feel cold founding out the truth isn't what I wanted it to be.And so scared of others. I don't want to judge them or find out they are not what they appear to be.I shudder at that.I don't want any harm upon others,but hope they cna find what can make they happy and be a good person in this life we all share. But Its not always what I want it to be.
Does the tears that fall from my eyes even do anything. I would think by this time in my life I have shed enough tears in a lifetime. ButNo it is not.I feel like Alice, that my tears are enough to fill a room, but it is not strong enough to break the walls down. Instead, its so much that I find myself drowning,gasping for some air,but its not enough.I never thought that life was that complicated. Now things are different.School.Work. And more work.Friends.Family.It doesn't ends. However I would not call it suffering.I suffer because I let myself. But its not ongoing.It comes and go,I would not always welcome it to my life,but it there to let you knowthat you alive,that you live,that we are all human.We are not gods. Nor saints.Nor demons.But humans.Humans with emotions,troubles,grief,stress,happiness,stupidness,laughter,and much more.
Sometimes I would think of all the hate we have in this world.Over faith,Over opposing views,Over love,Over our view of beauty,Over race,Over gender,Over sexual orientation.It makes me sick.It makes worry about the the stupid human race.It makes cry at night.It makes me fell like shit when I participate.I hate hate.I also really hate the word "hate" I such an awful word. I try not to use it.
It doesn't seem to get easier as time passers on.It never does. That one more law in life.Others are not always nice and genuine and there for you. There is so many people in the world,and there is just so many you meet in your lifetime, why not let them in and learn to accept and appreciate them instead of judging them and causing drama.Even though some deserves it,try to give them the benefit of the doubt.That all I can ask for.I just want my worries to diminish,stop worrying so much over little times.If there id something bugging you, let it out.Don't keep it inside, or you'll never find an answer.
Why is this world so cruel to me and others.We all make mistakes, why is everything so serious and stupid?I worry over if I'm a good:friend,sister,daughter,cousin,believer,studentperson, it never ends.
As tears fall down my face, It doesn't stop but falls down harder.I know there is more I can do for everyone. But I feel so selfish for always putting me first.Why is that?
My room is cold and messy and I want to clear the clutter in my room and in my mind. But the mind never stops just like how I can't stop from caring and giving a shit for others.Others might call me meddling and tell me to stop being nosy and just leave tell be.But how can I help if I don't know the whole story?Maybe they don't need help from me? Or don't think I am useful. ButEven if others need me there to listen, I can be there for them.I lost enough friends to put in that effort. I don't want to lose more people that I let into my world just to let them slip away as tunes goes by. But if that time was to come, I would fight for it before I give up.
But some just don't seem to understand. And continue to judge.I don't want the people I know and love to be judge and step on by others.That's not what a human being should do in life.I'm far from perfect,there is some much of me that can be improved,and when others judge me and the people I know,I can't accept that.It's not in me to just let it pass by, I want to, no, have to stick up for them. Even though the odds are against me,I want to say something,
As time passes by, why is that life doesn't become easier. That the guidebook to life is an easier book to read.I feel cold founding out the truth isn't what I wanted it to be.And so scared of others. I don't want to judge them or find out they are not what they appear to be.I shudder at that.I don't want any harm upon others,but hope they cna find what can make they happy and be a good person in this life we all share. But Its not always what I want it to be.
Does the tears that fall from my eyes even do anything. I would think by this time in my life I have shed enough tears in a lifetime. ButNo it is not.I feel like Alice, that my tears are enough to fill a room, but it is not strong enough to break the walls down. Instead, its so much that I find myself drowning,gasping for some air,but its not enough.I never thought that life was that complicated. Now things are different.School.Work. And more work.Friends.Family.It doesn't ends. However I would not call it suffering.I suffer because I let myself. But its not ongoing.It comes and go,I would not always welcome it to my life,but it there to let you knowthat you alive,that you live,that we are all human.We are not gods. Nor saints.Nor demons.But humans.Humans with emotions,troubles,grief,stress,happiness,stupidness,laughter,and much more.
Sometimes I would think of all the hate we have in this world.Over faith,Over opposing views,Over love,Over our view of beauty,Over race,Over gender,Over sexual orientation.It makes me sick.It makes worry about the the stupid human race.It makes cry at night.It makes me fell like shit when I participate.I hate hate.I also really hate the word "hate" I such an awful word. I try not to use it.
It doesn't seem to get easier as time passers on.It never does. That one more law in life.Others are not always nice and genuine and there for you. There is so many people in the world,and there is just so many you meet in your lifetime, why not let them in and learn to accept and appreciate them instead of judging them and causing drama.Even though some deserves it,try to give them the benefit of the doubt.That all I can ask for.I just want my worries to diminish,stop worrying so much over little times.If there id something bugging you, let it out.Don't keep it inside, or you'll never find an answer.
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